Moments of Insanity in a Strange New World

more ME pics

My cutie pie 7 year old

Kids = updated pics

That's the sledding scar Thomas has now from his accident :(

More kid pics per Morganna's request :)

OK started my painting project

I'm doing a series of paintings for one of my best friends Ralph. I hope you're not reading this Ralph because you're not supposed to see these yet :)

It's a Yule present. The theme is for each Archangel and element associated with it. Thus the first one is Angel Gabriel and water and the Holy Grail which is the symbol/tool we use for our work in the West. I will be posting pictures as the paintings progress...I'm thrilled with painting again, it's something I need to do more of. I have another painting on done the blog if you want tosee more.

Unfortunately another one of mine is in a gallery atm and I didn't get a pic of it...my best one my Mom still has and I can't get her to send me.

Anyway - here it is, as it grows -

The plate is floating in a sea of waves, with rocks on it. There is a candle which isn't lit yet and the Holy Grail which - most likely was quite plain. The two feathers from Angel Gabriel are slowly coming but feathers are actually quite hard to paint, I've found out. I have't started the highlights or shadows yet...but it's coming.

Snowstorm pics

feeling weird

So - I don't know what it is but I've been feeling a little weird lately. Maybe it's the loss of a real job or just haven't too much time on my hands...but it's a feeling of excitement and boredom all at once. It's really hard to describe but I guess I could say that one minute I'm feeling FULL of potential and looking forward to the future and going to school next semester...and then the next I feel bogged down and really depressed. It's like I go back and forth without stopping. The only thing that seems to stop it is Distraction or pills. The pills aren't anything permanent, it only gives 4 or 5 hours of peace in my head and then I'm back where I was.

I really wish I could just be settled with where I'm at but I keep getting this nagging feeling there's something more just on the horizon and I ..can't...quite...touch it. Like my insides are changing into something wonderful and terrible at the same time. Is this what it is like to be alone? I really don't know what it is...being single. On the weeks I don't have the kids I find myself wandering around the house looking at things at weird angles, noticing blotches I havent' seen before...and generally being haunted by my own house. The things that have happened here, the feelings, the births, the emotions....it's all still here.
Luckily, on the 28th by Temple is coming to banish my house for good. yes, an honest to goodness exorcism. I need to find a place for the cats for the night but otherwise I am SO looking forward to this banishing....then I can spend time repainting and living in place that's fresh and new. Maybe at the same time they can sever the emotional ties I have with the past.

Some of this could be PMS I guess. I don't know, I have been sick to my stomach since last Thurs, and still am. I ate a litle today but I'm still on Gravol - long acting. It's a wonder I"m still in one piece.

I've had reason to think about my magical work a lot lately, explaining it to a friend of mine. I haven't given it much thought I guess, not enough at any rate. I find it really hard to describe to someone else with any coherency. I guess the best way to describe it - layman's terms...is the opening of portals of energy to other planes of exsistances...and letting spirits and such in and out. I know that I'm an empath...so my particular energies that I give to the group are powerful but unbridled. I can't *send* energy at all, or at least I'm untrained.

Lately I have been dealing in the Southern Quadrant quite a bit, and it's male fire energy. I'm like a newborn there, naked and honest. I know that if I put my mind to it, I could channel that energy like a beam of light down my body and out my arms and hands...but something is stopping it. I think it's fear, mostly. Fear of the Southern quadrant and the Archangel Michael. I don't know why he frightens me so much...maybe because I know that he knows I'm full of shit in the West. Yeah I may be a fertile goddess and in touch with my feminine, yadda yadda but when push comes to shove my real power is focused in the powerful male sense. The things I can actually put my mind to when I want...when I take energy from someone...sexually or even nonsexually and can twist it and warp it, circle it through and back to me. It's kind of eerie. I think since I know the feminine so well I have a very good handle on the male energy, but it scares me.

my daughter

I just have to give evidence that my daughter is by far the most enlightened and wonderful being I have ever encountered. Aside from my crystal child son, that is.

As you know, my car is broken down. She has just received over $85 dollars US from my family in Colorado for her November birthday. I was just sitting here trying to figure out bus routes and she comes up to me with the most loving and innocent expression on her face. She says that she would rather use her birthday money to fix the car because she knows we need it more then she needs toys.
I just looked at her, in her knowledgable wise eyes and cried...literally cried. I cried for the kids of the world who are coming into awareness and enlightenment...I cried for the amazing job of raising her to be a kid who would do something like that. I also cried because I realized that she is truly a special being...and unlike any other I know.

So, the good news is, with my grocery money, my daughter's bday money and a little more I am going to be able to fix the car and go one with what I need to do.

I am just amazed and overwhelmed. If you meet her someday later in the world, make sure you know you're looking at an enlightened soul.

Damn car

Well - my suspension, steering and brakes are out on Moby Grape. I have over 190,000kms on the poor vehicle for being a 2000. I guess I should have gone a little easier on it , but hey it's not my fault I blame it all on Gene.

Couple that with losing my job last week things were on a bit of a slide. I am keeping it together, via pills and nice distractions to keep my spirits high. Thank you distraction :)

Anyway, I'm not too sure how things are goingto go from here on out. I am expecting a call from the Ex regarding a loan to get the car fixed. I dont' expect it to be a very good call since he has to ask his fiance to finance it off one of her credit cards. She just dropped off the kids here and didn't even say hello so I suspect things are a little tense on that side of the fence. But, what am I to do really? It wasn't my idea to take the kids out of a school I could walk to here at my house and move them closer to their's. I agreed to it to try and make things easier on them because they had a new baby to cart around and it was hard getting everyone ready in the morning with a baby in the car and stuff...however now I don't HAVE a car and am pretty much fuxxored with getting them across town to go to school.

I know I can't keep them here so I have to bus it now, which will cost me most likely 10 dollars a day or more for 4 people and 4 trips with transfers. I'm really really not looking forward to this during the winter...why does this always happen during Xmas.

I haveto try and make this work until Jan8the when I can sign for my loan and wait 5-6 days til it comes in the account. Then I get the car fixed and go from there...however my campus isin St Thomas so how the hell I'm going to get there - I have no clue. I need a car fairy :)

OK kids for a bit

pics of me

NEW CAMERA!

OK I have to post some pics just for fun and for some people's benefits...

And I have to figure out how all this works cuz I'm a bit behind. Thanks Dad for sending me the camera btw :)

This is Gene's Magic staff he gave to me - it sits above my fireplace - it's very special and I have always wanted to take a picture of it. That is part of my gargoyle collection and a weird artsy blue bottle thing I was tryingto do.

This is a painting in my living room of my ocean rock series - the other one I gave as a gift and is now in a gallery

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My new living room design - I call it Chinese Bordello The walls are a deep rasberry chocolate and you can't really tell but the highlight colors are pinks and magentas. Goes pretty well together, it's a crappy picture tho. I have to learn my camera better.

ANother piece of living room art I have done, I built and made the screenin school and then tried to design within my rasberry colored Chinese motif...I am kind of sick of the dark colors now tho, might go Turquoize, not sure.

the obligatory fall shot of leaves outside my house...my favorite season of all

My porch guardian just cuz I was jazzed outside with my camera - big dork, I know.

More to come I'm sure!!

Finally - figured out how to post a new entry

Well, suffice to say I feel like a pile of crap today. My BF left last night on a bus home. It was really really difficult to drive him there and leave him there when he didn't want to go but it is for the best. He really needs to get his life restarted the way he needs to to start feeling better. I invited him here 3 years ago this month and he has just sat around playing Mr. Mom and just got worse and worse.
I have so many different feelings today - thebiggest ones are guilt, - guilt that I invited him in the first place and three years later he's going back the same. Nothing ever happened here for him, I couldn't do what he wanted - couldn't marry him or help him start a life. I am trying to start my own and I just couldn't and wouldn't do it.
Sadness: that's an obvious one, the day after feels like I drank too much and I'm sick to my stomach. It's a natural state of grief - this process...I'm used to it. It's the same feeling I had when my husband moved out a while ago. A kind of - floaty sick to your stomach everything has a weird gray tinge to it kind of feeling.
Indecision: Was this right? Am I doing the right thing? 99.9 audience members believe so ...I don't know one person who doesn't think it is. Not one. Not even myself. The only person who seems to think it isn't a good idea is Shawn and he is the one who went home. However, he is blinded by fear and self loathing, I don't think he'll see clearly for a while.

You know I just wish I could give him these powers of perception I have...I just wish I could open up my mind and show him that life can be beautiful regardless of what's in it. Just the feeling of the wind through my hair whenI go for a walk, or the crunching of a chipmunk's jaws and then the quick "whothefuckisthat" look I get when I come too close...things like the simple act of kindnesses I can do for people on the phone at work. I just wish I could show him these things and it could have been different. But, I'm not his teacher...it isn't my role in this life to teach him, spiritually or earthly.

My Mother is all for this. She really liked Shawn but she always felt 'uncomfortable' around him...like there was more there to meet the eye. Kate, my husband's fiance, feels the same. Uncomfortable. My friends - uncomfortable. But, for some reason...all of his friends feel comfortable. Why is that? I don't get it. Is it because either they are used to his melodrama and anger and have just dealt with it longer or is it because when he was here he really wasn't his real self...I guess I'll never know.

Looking out for yourself is paramount, I know this. I attribute a lot of this new found strength to Sunday's initiation ritual to my Ceremonialist Magic group. I was brought into a new 'me'...a new strength. I was even given a new name. I was reborn. I came home completely changed...and I seriously mean it when I say that. Then the next day a couple of things happened that just solidified my feelings on the matter and I decided it was time for him to leave. I guess it just happens quickly, I just can't help but have a smidgen of doubt that my instincts could be wrong on this one. Wouldn't anyone?

I can't go into specifics about the ritual of course, by oath, but there is a part of me that stood before the face of the Archangel Michael and he burned my soul. I felt cowed, humbled ... he stared right inside me and asked me, "How dare you come to me with unpure intention - your soul isn't pure to yourself." I actually felt his wrath inside me and I knew instantly he could see straight through my soul. He showed me ..in a altruistic way...that I wasn't true to myself and my intentions weren't my own. It actually pained me when I was standing there, facing the fire of truth. Truth. I wasn't true to myself, and he showed me I could be. I left there shaken and changed...fully charged to face my truths. It literally gave me the strength to see clearly, and I do now...everthing looks different for better or worse I guess I'll learn.

Painful? Of course it is, I changed my whole life over the course of a day (long time in the coming tho - mind) but do I feel supported and confident. I'm getting there. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more secure.

I skipped work again. I have to stop doing this or I'm going to lose a job I really need. I just couldn't face anyone today...look anyone in the eye without bawling. I hope tomorrow will be better for me.