Well, suffice to say I feel like a pile of crap today. My BF left last night on a bus home. It was really really difficult to drive him there and leave him there when he didn't want to go but it is for the best. He really needs to get his life restarted the way he needs to to start feeling better. I invited him here 3 years ago this month and he has just sat around playing Mr. Mom and just got worse and worse.
I have so many different feelings today - thebiggest ones are guilt, - guilt that I invited him in the first place and three years later he's going back the same. Nothing ever happened here for him, I couldn't do what he wanted - couldn't marry him or help him start a life. I am trying to start my own and I just couldn't and wouldn't do it.
Sadness: that's an obvious one, the day after feels like I drank too much and I'm sick to my stomach. It's a natural state of grief - this process...I'm used to it. It's the same feeling I had when my husband moved out a while ago. A kind of - floaty sick to your stomach everything has a weird gray tinge to it kind of feeling.
Indecision: Was this right? Am I doing the right thing? 99.9 audience members believe so ...I don't know one person who doesn't think it is. Not one. Not even myself. The only person who seems to think it isn't a good idea is Shawn and he is the one who went home. However, he is blinded by fear and self loathing, I don't think he'll see clearly for a while.
You know I just wish I could give him these powers of perception I have...I just wish I could open up my mind and show him that life can be beautiful regardless of what's in it. Just the feeling of the wind through my hair whenI go for a walk, or the crunching of a chipmunk's jaws and then the quick "whothefuckisthat" look I get when I come too close...things like the simple act of kindnesses I can do for people on the phone at work. I just wish I could show him these things and it could have been different. But, I'm not his teacher...it isn't my role in this life to teach him, spiritually or earthly.
My Mother is all for this. She really liked Shawn but she always felt 'uncomfortable' around him...like there was more there to meet the eye. Kate, my husband's fiance, feels the same. Uncomfortable. My friends - uncomfortable. But, for some reason...all of his friends feel comfortable. Why is that? I don't get it. Is it because either they are used to his melodrama and anger and have just dealt with it longer or is it because when he was here he really wasn't his real self...I guess I'll never know.
Looking out for yourself is paramount, I know this. I attribute a lot of this new found strength to Sunday's initiation ritual to my Ceremonialist Magic group. I was brought into a new 'me'...a new strength. I was even given a new name. I was reborn. I came home completely changed...and I seriously mean it when I say that. Then the next day a couple of things happened that just solidified my feelings on the matter and I decided it was time for him to leave. I guess it just happens quickly, I just can't help but have a smidgen of doubt that my instincts could be wrong on this one. Wouldn't anyone?
I can't go into specifics about the ritual of course, by oath, but there is a part of me that stood before the face of the Archangel Michael and he burned my soul. I felt cowed, humbled ... he stared right inside me and asked me, "How dare you come to me with unpure intention - your soul isn't pure to yourself." I actually felt his wrath inside me and I knew instantly he could see straight through my soul. He showed me ..in a altruistic way...that I wasn't true to myself and my intentions weren't my own. It actually pained me when I was standing there, facing the fire of truth. Truth. I wasn't true to myself, and he showed me I could be. I left there shaken and changed...fully charged to face my truths. It literally gave me the strength to see clearly, and I do now...everthing looks different for better or worse I guess I'll learn.
Painful? Of course it is, I changed my whole life over the course of a day (long time in the coming tho - mind) but do I feel supported and confident. I'm getting there. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel more secure.
I skipped work again. I have to stop doing this or I'm going to lose a job I really need. I just couldn't face anyone today...look anyone in the eye without bawling. I hope tomorrow will be better for me.
