So - I don't know what it is but I've been feeling a little weird lately. Maybe it's the loss of a real job or just haven't too much time on my hands...but it's a feeling of excitement and boredom all at once. It's really hard to describe but I guess I could say that one minute I'm feeling FULL of potential and looking forward to the future and going to school next semester...and then the next I feel bogged down and really depressed. It's like I go back and forth without stopping. The only thing that seems to stop it is Distraction or pills. The pills aren't anything permanent, it only gives 4 or 5 hours of peace in my head and then I'm back where I was.
I really wish I could just be settled with where I'm at but I keep getting this nagging feeling there's something more just on the horizon and I ..can't...quite...touch it. Like my insides are changing into something wonderful and terrible at the same time. Is this what it is like to be alone? I really don't know what it is...being single. On the weeks I don't have the kids I find myself wandering around the house looking at things at weird angles, noticing blotches I havent' seen before...and generally being haunted by my own house. The things that have happened here, the feelings, the births, the emotions....it's all still here.
Luckily, on the 28th by Temple is coming to banish my house for good. yes, an honest to goodness exorcism. I need to find a place for the cats for the night but otherwise I am SO looking forward to this banishing....then I can spend time repainting and living in place that's fresh and new. Maybe at the same time they can sever the emotional ties I have with the past.
Some of this could be PMS I guess. I don't know, I have been sick to my stomach since last Thurs, and still am. I ate a litle today but I'm still on Gravol - long acting. It's a wonder I"m still in one piece.
I've had reason to think about my magical work a lot lately, explaining it to a friend of mine. I haven't given it much thought I guess, not enough at any rate. I find it really hard to describe to someone else with any coherency. I guess the best way to describe it - layman's terms...is the opening of portals of energy to other planes of exsistances...and letting spirits and such in and out. I know that I'm an empath...so my particular energies that I give to the group are powerful but unbridled. I can't *send* energy at all, or at least I'm untrained.
Lately I have been dealing in the Southern Quadrant quite a bit, and it's male fire energy. I'm like a newborn there, naked and honest. I know that if I put my mind to it, I could channel that energy like a beam of light down my body and out my arms and hands...but something is stopping it. I think it's fear, mostly. Fear of the Southern quadrant and the Archangel Michael. I don't know why he frightens me so much...maybe because I know that he knows I'm full of shit in the West. Yeah I may be a fertile goddess and in touch with my feminine, yadda yadda but when push comes to shove my real power is focused in the powerful male sense. The things I can actually put my mind to when I want...when I take energy from someone...sexually or even nonsexually and can twist it and warp it, circle it through and back to me. It's kind of eerie. I think since I know the feminine so well I have a very good handle on the male energy, but it scares me.
